The Thief of Joy

Do you find yourself frequently comparing your life to others? Has this led to feelings of envy and discontentment with your life? Comparison and envy are very human — they’re normal, natural, and frequent. But instead of letting these thoughts and feelings bring us down, we can choose how we respond to them when they inevitably arise. 

Here are some tips on how to respond when we find ourselves getting lost in a downward spiral of comparison.

1. Practice Self Compassion

Take a moment to practice self compassion. Notice and name the feelings of envy you are having and acknowledge that this is a human response; other people feel this way too. Would you judge others for feeling envious, or would you offer compassion? Give yourself the same compassion that you would give others.

2. Observe and Limit Triggers

Next time you notice you are feeling green with envy, take a moment to notice what might have led to these feelings. We all have our own triggers. For many of us, social media can be problematic. We see someone posting pictures of a dream vacation or pictures of their home that looks straight out of a magazine and next thing we know, we are experiencing feelings and thoughts of “not enough-ness.” Remember, the glamor we see on social media is usually a highlight reel. Not many people are sharing the unglamorous parts of vacation or their disastrous home renovations. Take some time to reflect on other possible situations that heighten these feelings of comparison. A coworker? Taking a walk through a neighborhood filled with beautiful homes? Do your best to recognize which situations impact you the most and take efforts to avoid them.

3. Practice Gratitude

When we get caught in the midst of comparison, it is easy to focus on what we feel we don’t have enough of and lose sight of what we do have. Consider engaging in a regular practice of gratitude. This is not meant to diminish your feelings; you can feel envy and still continue to work toward recognizing the things you have and are grateful for. You might roll your eyes as this exercise can feel cheesy, but think of it as a muscle that you need to build. Writing down just one or two things you are grateful for on a daily basis might feel hard at first, but eventually it will come more naturally. And if you struggle to build this list, try to envision your life if certain things/people were missing. Does that bring up feelings of gratitude?

4. Name What Matters

Check in with yourself about your values. Deep in your heart, what kind of person do you want to be? Do you want to be a cheerleader for others? Do you value being encouraging? Name your values and take this moment to act in accordance with your values. Your initial thoughts of comparison and envy aren’t reflective of you as a person, they are just thoughts. You can have a thought of comparison and envy and still choose to act in your values of being a compassionate and supportive friend.